twisted

It's just not right when the temperature reached 63 today, is sitting at 56 at 7:04 pm, and a winter storm watch is in effect.

reoccuring theme

I had written the following a while back and I keep coming back to it, so I thought it would be worth sharing as it is an area in my life that continues to pop up.

I seem to have a reoccuring theme inside of me. A theme of "not good enough". Where it comes from, I know. It's the enemy trying to ruin my heart. To ruin the image of who I believe I am. A daughter of God. This theme comes and goes each month. It could be a sentence, a phrase that flits before my eyes. Something someone says or doesn't say. It's usually something I assume. I have learned that assuming is not that great of an idea to do. Emotions come flooding back. Emotions of I'm not liked because I'm not like so and so, or think like this person, or do what this person does. That I'm not good enough based on what and who others are. Over the past months I've beaten myself down because of this, or should I say, have allowed myself to be beaten down. Weeks out of every month have been spent in tears, sorrow, self pity and truly believing I really am not good enough for any one. Why is this so important to me? Is life based soley on this aspect? No. Funny, that after months of being told that I am worth something, that I truly believed those words. All these emotions came flooding back today because of what I assumed. I started being beaten down. Ground into the earth. Then a small, little flicker, a hushed whisper came to me. "God loves you. He thinks you are so very important. He LOVES you! You are assuming again and letting the enemy grab your heal and pull you down and I am here to hold you. You don't have to feel this way. I made you and love every aspect about you because I knitted you together and you are exactly who and what you are supposed to be. My child." All of this came at me in a split second. And after these thoughts flitted across my mind, very softly, I was ok.

This past Sunday we were visiting a friends church and the pastor spoke about being the unique person that God created you to be. To not pretend or wish you were someone else. To just be you. He talked about a conversation between Jesus and Peter (John 21:15-22). Jesus asking Peter three times if he loved Him and Peter answering yes all three times. Then Peter asking Jesus about John, who was following behind these two during their conversation, "What about him?" Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You should follow me." I need not try and be or wish to be someone I'm not. My focus should be on following Christ, not on who/what others are.

One step forward and I'm sure there will be steps back in the days to come, but letting this truth break through, has been a giant step. No matter how tired, beaten down or how many times I fall, I need to keep stepping, crawling, moving forward and continue being who He uniquely made me to be.

coming to you...

From balmy Ill.

We made it today to our friends' place around 11 a.m. our time, 10 a.m Ill time. (The road trip was split up into two days). Our friends weren't home, so we sat on their front porch ready to surprise the husband. Within 5 minutes, they pulled in the driveway and he exited the car slack jawed. "Happy Birthday!!" He was absolutely shocked.

We had lunch out and then went to the park. With it being a nice 70 degrees, we took advantage of every moment outside.

Excellent conversations, excellent weather, all around an excellent day.

Tomorrow is church, lunch in St. Louis (another surprise for our friend's 40th birthday weekend) and then heading home. The time here has moved way too quickly.

Bedtime is approaching. Kids have had a hard day playing with their friends. They even tried out the oversized jacuzzi tub in our room (which went better than last night in the hotel pool when Alina drank too much water and threw up all over the pool deck. Her little belly and pool chlorinated water don't mix well).

Happy Thanksgiving weekend!!

eight blind mice

The mouse population has grown in our home. The population, that is, of dead mice. Yesterday and this morning were the clinchers. Yesterday I asked Sam the usual morning question. "Would you like to go and check the mouse traps?" He really enjoys dead things. Morbid, I know. He was yelling for me to come downstairs to see the trap that sprang, was licked free of peanut butter, and beheld no objects in the shape of a small rodent. So I rounded the corner and was heading back upstairs when I saw a movement. There, peeking up at me was a cute little mouse. The kids started yelling, "DON'T KILL IT MOMMY!!!". So what is a mother supposed to do? Secretly kill it behind their backs? Let it roam free so as not to squish two little hearts who are looking adoringly at the beady eyed invader? I quickly looked around to see what I could squash it with and found nothing. I came up and called Ed. "How do you kill a live mouse?" I was armed with a plastic cup to capture it, went back downstairs and it was gone. I picked up my exercise mat and tapped it on the floor, out jumped the mouse, me following it with a cup and it leaping to safety under the couch. DRAT!

Sam was even so considerate to peel off all of his crust from his toast and leave it on the floor to feed the mouse. Thank you my son.

This morning I awake to this: "jean" in a hushed whisper. "JEan". "JEAN!". I was then awake. Came downstairs and Ed said, "Look". There in the middle of the kitchen floor was my small little tin tub that is usually on top of the washing machine, upside down. My mind was still a bit foggy and was asked, "do you know what's in there?" I squeemishly replied, "a mouse?". Bingo. He said he saw it running around the dining room was able to cover it up and right before the tub went over it, it just gave a little innocent look at him. What to do next? I suggested putting a mouse trap under there with it and let that kill it. So downstairs I went to get the mouse trap I had set for yesterdays live mouse, thinking that was the mouse that managed to make it upstairs. I yelled up to Ed, "It wasn't the mouse that was down here!" I still need to empty that trap. So we tried to set the mouse trap, but it went off right when Ed put the tub over it. Paper bag with a little tub and jumping mouse inside worked wonders. Then transfered to a plastic bag. Then like a grape juice stomping party, but in pajamas, the fun began. Three out of four of us were outside on the back deck making a quick demise to the rodent who wasn't so smart to show its face in our home. I sat inside hoping I was going to be able to eat today.

So now, death blocks are strategically placed all around the perimeter of the house. Death food. Lucky mice. Talks of getting a mouser are more and more now.

Now as dusk falls I sit here and think I see running things across the floor and hear rustling, scratching sounds. Ahhhh the imagination does wonders.

what about you?

1. A God who loves and forgives, no matter how many times I fall flat on my face. Pursues, offers life, breathes sustinance. Lifts me up when I am deep in despair or depression. Is patient in my relationship with Him, in learning how I fit into His ultimate story, and seeking out who He made me to be. Promises to always be there and has been there through dark valleys and sunny peaks. For this I am thankful.




2. A man who puts the twinkle in my eye. Is my best friend. Holds me when life is crashing by so hard and breathing is next to impossible. Accepts me despite my faults. Listens to my heart whether it is crying or laughing. Encourages me to try new things and climb out a bit further on the limbs of life. Takes my hand and doesn't let go through the adventures that are placed before us. For him I am thankful.



3. Two little people who forgive at the drop of a hat. Have smiles that radiate with joy and the youthfulness of life. Are reminders that living CAN be fun. Exude health and are vibrant. Fill our home with laughter, screams, stomping feet and noise. Give hugs full of love. Cause silliness and tears. Bring joy that no other can fill. For these two I am thankful.






4. Friends who listen and nudge. Cause stomach cramps from laughing so very hard. Remind me to be myself and no one else. Are authentic. Encourage spiritual growth and depth. Despite miles of separation, are always a phone call or e-mail away. For all of them I am thankful.






5. Family. A warm home. Music. Sounds of the ocean, birds, leaves rustling. Seasons. Books. A growling stomach as a reminder to eat. Imaginations. Each person's uniqueness. Hard times causing growth. Needs being met. And so much more.



For all of these I am thankful. What about you?

of mice and woodpeckers

When we were looking for a house to buy back before our daughter was born, we really weren't looking for a fixer-upper. Funny how what .

A new septic system due to the 60 year old one, a new backyard due to the new septic system, a new bathroom due to a rotted floor and leaking toilet seal, new insulation in the ceiling, service call for the water heater going out due to a red squirrel going down the chimney and stopping the air flow to the water heater (it met its demise as it got stuck), a new water softner system as the old one didn't work and turned all our clothes yellow. A new dishwasher because the other one rusted and broke due to the water.

There is still a lot we need to do to the house. Some things are taking a higher priority as the days go by. Take the siding for instance. We had in the long range forcast to put new siding on, oh, in maybe 10 years. Yesterday found me outside trying to figure out what the thunking noise was I heard inside. I thought it was a mouse in the walls chewing and scrambling around on some wood (the mice in the basement have delighted in several meals off of the mouse traps due to me just realizing that I was setting them wrong!). Then I listened more carefully and noticed that the noise was too consitant to be a mouse. So I opened up Sam's window and he and I came to the conclusion that it was something outside. So out I went and low and behold, a woodpecker was on the side of our house working away at a hole in our siding. It's amazing how such a small little bird can cause so much damage. A nice quarter size hole was drilled out from this woodpecker. I must say though, that it did its job very well. God made woodpeckers with quite strong beaks.

Because of this woodpecker, it was also discovered that our siding boards are starting to rot. So siding the house has moved up in priority on the house list.

I struggle with this house. With everything that has gone wrong with it, that continues to go wrong with it. I try to keep a positive attitude. I try to keep trusting that He will provide exactly what we need. But it's hard. I really am thankful to be in a place that is warm, that is in a good school district, that has a yard where our kids can play, where wildlife (other than mice) can be seen daily, for the beauty of the huge trees changing colors, that is a safe haven for our family. I don't want to become old and bitter because of the way life has gone, but grasp each moment, situation, and challenge that falls before us as an adventure and learning experience and be thankful despite the house falling apart.

A piece of skin

PLUS

EQUALS



Thanks to my determindness and the one last piece of skin that I just HAD to get off the apple, I instead am missing a portion of skin off the top of my finger. Thanks to my man who bandaged me all up. Good thing I don't faint when I see blood because there was a whole mess of it.

a good day

You know it's going to be a good, no a GREAT, day when you can turn the furnace off, throw open the doors and windows and not be cold. It's like that touch of warmth before spring turns into summer, but instead it's fall changing into winter. One last time to wear no coat before having to don the winter duds. One last time to inhale the fragrant air before it turns to crystals. To actually feel the warmth of the sun on your face. And probably the best day for outside jobs, like putting up christmas lights, before the numbing chill of jack frost sets in and the hibernation period begins.

Pumpkin Fun

Costumes were readied for the fun parade we went on Saturday in our friends' neighborhood. It was a mile walk around the "block" and ended with cider and doughnuts. There were about 30 of us (our family being the only non-neighborhood family) and it was a ton of fun walking and talking. Sam loved racing around in his costume and Alina stayed on her dad's shoulders the entire time enjoying the view from above.







After the parade, we went to our friends' house and carved pumpkins and ate quesadilla's. Our kids' pumpkins are the middle two in which Sam carved the one on the left and I carved Alina's (who wanted shapes for her face) on the right. Our friends have two older girls who adore our kids and take them under their wings whenever we come over and off they go not to be heard from for a good hour at a time. We all were on the kitchen floor, carving pumpkins while our friends were taking lots of pictures. Once again, I forgot about our camera and have no pictures to display (except for the completed pumpkins).



The kids crashed when we got home and it was nice to have that extra hour of sleep this morning after yesterdays fun filled afternoon/evening.

Success

This weekend was a success. Friday my mom actually was on the way to church and saw one of my brothers in a parking lot at the corner of their street (waiting for my other brother), pulled in and found out what was going on. I got the call saying, "why didn't you tell me you were planning a surprise?!?" Silly mom.

Saturday we finally got mom out of the house so the cake could be decorated and food prepared for the party that night. Got the cake done (thanks Kristen!!!) with 5 minutes to spare and it went in the commercial pizza oven in the basement for safe keeping. Give-away #1 happened when by chance my mom told my sister in law that she was going to go start the pizza oven for the potatoes and was told to ask Dad to start it (fortunately dad had said where he put the cake and fortunatly mom did NOT turn the oven on!). Give-away #2 was when the table was set and mom (always one to be prepared and ahead of the game) started counting plates and found there to be more than how many people were in the house. Though she did not find out who was coming until they walked in the house.

It was a great weekend.

I'm beyond exhuasted and still have one more day to go before my man gets off that jet plane. I know I can do it. I. Can.

this week

This week is going to be one hoppin week.

Monday:
Work.
Eat breakfast. This is something that doesn't take place often. Once the day gets rolling, it's easy to forget to eat. But I will eat breakfast, even if it's almost noon. :)
Library.
Read chapter for ladies group tonight. We're starting Girl Meets God. Can't wait!!
Dinner.
Ladies group.

Tuesday:
Work.
MOPS. And they serve breakfast, so on this day I know for sure breakfast will make it into my stomach.
Dinner.
Kid duty as Ed has orienteering group this night.

Wednesday:
Work.
Exercise. I'm trying to get back into the habit.
I'm sure the afternoon will provide something of which will require my presence.

Thursday:
Work.
Take Ed to airport. He's going to CO for 5 days for the John Eldredge Wild At Heart Boot Camp with two other guys from church. No phones, computers, tv's, anything. So I won't hear from him again until Sunday when he comes out of the wilderness.
Pack for weekend.

Friday:
Work.
Get ready for weekend.
Help in Sam's class.
Pick Sam up from school and head to Lansing.

Fri-Sun: Thankfully my mother doesn't read my blog, so I can share what's happening this weekend. My mom's birthday was on Sat. the 14th. She turned 70 (I was a late surprise in our family). So I called all the brothers and we're throwing her a party. My dad has kept mum about this, which has been really hard for him. My mom is the one who plans everything that goes on in the house, so this will be a real shocker for her when on Friday afternoon my brother and his wife from TN show up at the door and then my brother and his wife and 4 kids from OH show up at the door. We won't get there until later. She knows that I'm coming with the kids, but nothing else. Saturday I've invited some of her friends to come and we're going to make dinner and have a party. My brother from MI and his wife and kids are going to stop by too. The only one not able to make it is my brother from FL. So, party weekend at my parents house and my mom has no clue. :) I can't wait! I still have lots to plan, phone calls to make, times to get set up, and if we pull this off, it will be amazing.

Monday: Ed comes home. YAY!!!!
So off I go to my week. I'm excited (not about Ed leaving, but for the weekend). It'll be a great week. :)

surprise!

We found out a few days ago that we're going to have a new family member at our home. This came as a HUGE and unexpected surprise. We're still trying to get used to the idea of having another one around here, but it'll be great! I'm already looking forward to how much life is going to change, how much things are going to be very different.

I can't tell you how blessed and humbled we are. I cried when I found out. To find out something that we've hoped for, actually come out of the blue was amazing. This one will be welcomed with open arms into our family. Loved. Cared for.

We don't have a name for him/her yet. A name may be passed down from the parents. That's something we need to ask about.

Otherwise, we're so excited!!


Thank you D&J. A HUGE thank you for this AMAZING, AMAZING blessing. We'll take really good care of him/her and feel so privileged to have the mint green machine donn our driveway. :)

blink

This past Monday, life in the office where Ed and I work, had a different tone to it. The company we work for is pretty small. 15-17 people from receptionist all the way up to the president. So when something happens to someone, everyone knows and is affected inside somehow. This was the case Monday.

The HR, finance and everything-in-between-that-deals-with-money guy was in an accident. Different stories have been heard via family and the news, but the bottom line is, he was painting his house with the help of the youth group from his church where he's also an assistant pastor at, was up two stories on a ladder, it tipped, he jumped and got a pretty good shock through him and the teenager who was holding the ladder was electorcuted and died immediately when the ladder touched a high power voltage line.

Chris is still in the hospital, in an induced coma, bandaged hands and feet. Something was said about spine and neck injuries also. He's 36 years old. Married with four elementary aged kids.

This really put life in perspective. Life changes that fast. Split seconds and familes are changed forever. How often do I go through life thinking that everything is going great? Often. Until something like this shakes me to my core. It makes me really take a step back. To remember that I do not rule my life and everything that happens in it. To say I love you more. To give hugs to my husband, kids, family and friends more. To not get so bent out of shape over the little things. To be thankful every day for the life I have and not take it for granted. Because this week I have been reminded that life can change in the blink of an eye.

Just so happens

The one day, ONE day, that Sam and I decide that he will get off the bus all by himself while I stand at the door, is the one day that the bus completely drives by the house. With him on the it. I could see him sitting in there, looking out the window to see if I was standing waiting for him. Down the road the bus went. LONG gone. Out of sight. I called Ed and said, "It's not a good thing when the bus drives right by with our son on board". I called the bus garage and they were actually on the radio with the bus driver. She turned around and I saw them pass our house again. So out I went. To make sure she knew right where to stop. She stopped at the private drive before our house and I could see that Sam told her it was the next driveway, as she pointed to me, standing there waiting.

No apologies, nothing. But I didn't care. I just wanted my son off the bus. Where I could make sure he was ok. He was steaming mad. At me. For waiting for him. By the time we got to the steps he was in tears and I asked him if he was scared and he just started sobbing. Still mad at me for waiting, but I knew he was scared. Of course explaining that I WAS standing at the door waiting for him when he was supposed to get off, didn't matter one bit. I said we'd try again on Monday.

I pick the one day the sub bus driver starts. Thought it was yesterday. Guess I was wrong.

jobs

This week is our first week of having a job chart. It's on a large white dry erase board hanging up in the laundry area. Everyone has jobs. Some jobs are the same every day. Like Sam is responsible for plates every night at dinner. Alina's responsible for forks. Ed's responsible for drinks and I'm responsible for dinner. Other items include Sam picking up his toys in the living room twice a week. Both of them picking up the basement toys once a week (they have very few toys out as I rotate them every other week so there's not so much out at once). Alina putting away her markers and books twice a week. Mine is a bit more with the daily duties of laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen, etc. It's working quite well. Though I haven't been sticking to my jobs due to an inordinate amount of work coming in and lots and lots of phone calls for meals. But Sam asks daily what his job is for that day. Now the trick is to keep at it and not let them slide out of keeping up their jobs. Writing it out was the easy part. Doing it is the hard part!

once in a lifetime

This past Thursday, after delivering a meal to a family, Alina and I dropped by Grandma Pat's house. We are rarely over on that side of town, so I thought it would be nice to drop in and see her. Grandma Pat is not really the kids' grandma. She's their adopted grandma. When Sam was born, we lived right next to Grandma Pat and Grandpa Chris. We shared the same driveway. I could hear her on the phone, sitting in my own house. That's how close our houses were. We also attended the same church (and still do).

Then we moved when I was pregnant with Alina. And the couple who bought our old house actually go to our church too. And we knew the husband when he was in jr. high and high school when we lived in Lansing. Small world.

So as I was leaving, Brian came out and said hi. Grandma Pat said, "you should see what they've done to the house." Brian said, "Come on in and see."

I was hesitant at first. I didn't want my memories to be changed from what I remember our house to look like. But that hesitation didn't last long. How often do you get to see your old place, all redone? I've been wanting to see what they've done to the house as we'd always get reports from Grandma Pat and Grandma Chris to what they were doing over the past 2 1/2 years. So I stepped in.

Everything was different. Well, not everything. There were some things that were the same. The kitchen floor, counter tops, stove, light (our favorite light that I wanted to bring with us) and our old bedroom floor. Oh, and the bathtub. Everything else was different. Different colors, different rooms, added rooms, finished rooms. The basement was totally refinished. What was mint green cinder block walls was now a deep brown drywall, asbestos tile floor was now carpet. An added office. A finished upstairs with added marble bathroom. Hardwood floors. It was beautiful. I was shocked. All's I kept saying was, "You guys did an amazing, amazing job!!"

It was a totally different house. Even the outside. But my memories didn't change, of which I'm glad. I still remember moving-in day. Bringing Sam home. Redoing the kitchen the week of Christmas and setting up the tree with a refrigerator and stove in the living room (it was a small living room, so it made for a fun time). Ed putting in new basement windows. Painting the bathroom a pink color that sure looked different in the store. Moving-out day. Walking through an empty house and crying b/c I didn't want to leave, as I didn't have any memories of our new house. That house was all I knew. It was heart wrenching.

But walking through it on Wednesday, I realized that I didn't miss it. I'm glad Brian and Katie love it as much as we did. Brian said they're going to redo the kitchen and will give us the light as the brushed nickle wouldn't match the stainless steel appliances they would get. I didn't say no. :)

Some day maybe the old owners of our house will come through. I'd let them in as we know them since we go to the same church. Again. Small world. There's still a lot, A LOT, that we want to do to our place. But that's a whole different post.

a full day

Today's agenda includes:

1. Take Ed to work. We've been SOOOOO spoiled with having two vehicles for the past week. We've been a one car family for the past 9-10 years. Thanks SO much A&A!!! I hope it felt loved this past week while you were gone. :)

2. Work. No explanation for that one.

3. Make dessert

4. Take Sam to school.

5. Go to store to pick up storage containers and bread for meals.

6. Deliver meal to family that just had baby. Hearty chicken noodle soup, french bread, salad and dessert.

7. Home to work some more.

8. Wait at bus stop for Sam.

9. Airport to pick up friends.

10. Back home with said friends so said friends can take their meal and well-loved car home and go to sleep.

11. Pick up Ed.

12. Off to coffee house to hear some amazing music by local musician.

13. Eat dinner in there somewhere.

14. Crash in bed. :)

amazed

Today I was amazed. More than once. With people I didn't even know, talking to them, hearing their words. It started with a call to a home of several kids (14 to be exact) that were in an accident this past Sunday (apx. 6 were in the accident). Mom and two kids are still in the hospital and they needed meals. I talked to one of the older daughters and received all the information I needed to start making my calls.

Call one: This family was "near and dear to her heart" she said and could take more meals if needed.

Call two: She was so willing. After giving all information a comment came to my ear that said, "I was a part of that accident." Out of the blue. Totally not expecting it. I asked what happened and she told me. My heart broke. I could tell she was trying to keep it together. I wanted to reach through the phone and give her a big hug. I could relate, in a way, of knowing you've caused pain to someone in a car crash. I think it's one of the worst feelings in the world. She said the mom was one amazing lady of God and wanted this woman to know that it was going to be ok. And completely forgave her. I was speechless and I could tell she felt the wrought, raw, incomprehensible emotions of knowing you have done something painful and yet be fully forgiven. I literally had the chills.

Call seven and nine: "I saw that accident on the way to church. I will definitely take them a meal."

Call 11: "That's odd. I'm taking a meal to someone who got in an accident on Sunday too. Sounds like someone different though." As we chatted and she asked some more questions, we realized that the family she was taking a meal to was my call #2 family that was in the accident too.

Not one person was put out by taking a meal for 9-10 people. I can't even describe the emotions that rolled through me. Awe, shock, sadness, grief are some that describe that hour on the phone. Tears, chills, shakes were the physical emotions I went through. Everyone was intertwined some how and yet didn't even know each other.

It was amazing to see God work through each phone call and see people reach out to others whom they didn't even know, to care and not shy away from a challenging situation. That, to me, is showing Christ's love. What an honor and humbling experience it is to watch it happen before my eyes.

One more

I tried one last recipe for the past week and it was a huge success!

Mini Taco Bowls. These were easy and very tasty. I switched some things up and added a 1/2 packet of taco seasoning and a bit of medium hot fresh salsa instead of just salsa. I topped it with a spoonful of lite sour cream and a splash of taco sauce instead of ranch dressing. And instead of ground beef, I used ground chicken. Ed and I each ate two and it was just enough. The kids devoured theirs and one for each of them filled them right up. With a side of chips and the fresh salsa, it was a filling, yet a very cheap, easy meal.

This week is sporting new recipes of Bruschetta and Cheese Stuffed Chicken and Mac and Cheese Lasagna, along with another dose of home made pizzas. A review will be coming out of yay's or nay's from the table occupants...

broken heart

Today 4:20:

Sam: "Mom, why do you always wait for me to get off the bus?"

Me: "Because I like seeing you get off the bus. And I like waiting for you."

Sam: "I don't want you to wait for me anymore."

Me: "Why?"

Sam: "I want to come into the house all by myself. Like all the other kids do."

Me: Silence and a broken heart that it has started. Complete independence. I just wanted to cry.