Tuesday, November 28, 2006

reoccuring theme

I had written the following a while back and I keep coming back to it, so I thought it would be worth sharing as it is an area in my life that continues to pop up.

I seem to have a reoccuring theme inside of me. A theme of "not good enough". Where it comes from, I know. It's the enemy trying to ruin my heart. To ruin the image of who I believe I am. A daughter of God. This theme comes and goes each month. It could be a sentence, a phrase that flits before my eyes. Something someone says or doesn't say. It's usually something I assume. I have learned that assuming is not that great of an idea to do. Emotions come flooding back. Emotions of I'm not liked because I'm not like so and so, or think like this person, or do what this person does. That I'm not good enough based on what and who others are. Over the past months I've beaten myself down because of this, or should I say, have allowed myself to be beaten down. Weeks out of every month have been spent in tears, sorrow, self pity and truly believing I really am not good enough for any one. Why is this so important to me? Is life based soley on this aspect? No. Funny, that after months of being told that I am worth something, that I truly believed those words. All these emotions came flooding back today because of what I assumed. I started being beaten down. Ground into the earth. Then a small, little flicker, a hushed whisper came to me. "God loves you. He thinks you are so very important. He LOVES you! You are assuming again and letting the enemy grab your heal and pull you down and I am here to hold you. You don't have to feel this way. I made you and love every aspect about you because I knitted you together and you are exactly who and what you are supposed to be. My child." All of this came at me in a split second. And after these thoughts flitted across my mind, very softly, I was ok.

This past Sunday we were visiting a friends church and the pastor spoke about being the unique person that God created you to be. To not pretend or wish you were someone else. To just be you. He talked about a conversation between Jesus and Peter (John 21:15-22). Jesus asking Peter three times if he loved Him and Peter answering yes all three times. Then Peter asking Jesus about John, who was following behind these two during their conversation, "What about him?" Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You should follow me." I need not try and be or wish to be someone I'm not. My focus should be on following Christ, not on who/what others are.

One step forward and I'm sure there will be steps back in the days to come, but letting this truth break through, has been a giant step. No matter how tired, beaten down or how many times I fall, I need to keep stepping, crawling, moving forward and continue being who He uniquely made me to be.


Kassi said...

Amen to that.

I find it is hard to focus on what God created me to be, and instead wanting to be what God created others to be. As if I had some sort of better idea than Him.

Know you aren't alone...and maybe we can help each other be who we were meant to be.

Jean said...

You hit the nail on the head. Why is it so hard being content with who we are made to be?

Thanks Kassi. Knowing I'm not flying solo helps. A lot.

anne said...

I don't think there is really anyone out there who is always content with who they are. Seriously. We all look at someone and think, "what they're doing right now is better than what I'm doing. I should be doing that too."

Will we ever grow out of it? Sheesh, I sure hope so...

Jean said...

Me too Anne. Me too.

heather said...

thanks for sharing, jean. i know i feel this way a lot, too. it's good to be reminded of the truth that I am a child of God - made uniquely the way God wants me to be.

Carbon said...

You know, I think everyone goes through feeling this way. I find we are our own worst critic. Sometimes we have to be reminded to be kind to our own selves. Funny how that is.

Jean, you better be nice to yourself cuz if I was there, I'd send you to your room ;-)

Kristen! said...

As I was reading this post, I thought about the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. Have you read it?

Well, you are lovely.

You are captivating.

Jean said...


Don't want to be sent to my room. Noooo!!!! :)

Hi Kristen. I have started it, but do need to finish it. Thank you for that reminder. ;)