Friday, June 13, 2008

waiting

It has been a bit discouraging seeing and hearing people moving ahead with plans that have to do with their future, and sitting here not moving. People that I have been in contact with in WA are now packing and moving away now that their spouses are done with school. People that we have met are packing up and moving to WA to start school. We are neither packing nor moving. We're waiting. In limbo.

At times I feel like this verse:

"I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to help me." Ps. 69:3

When I see my husband leave every day to a job that sucks life out of him ounce by ounce, tears me up.
Cleaning the entire house for someone to come through and 6 minutes later leave and not like it.
Pinching pennies until they start to cry.

It's easy to slide down the despair slope, it goes fast and there is no end in sight.

During these times, I have to literally stick my feet out on each side of the slide to stop my emotions and thoughts from careening and pray. A thought provoking, detailed prayer comes out: "HELP!"

These are the verses my Rescuer gives to me.

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

So I turn around and start climbing back up the slide. Not an easy task. There is a lot of slipping, bruised and cut knees from falling. Growing takes a lot of effort, sweat and hurt.

Our house isn't sold, but we believe we are obeying and have learned SO much more than we ever thought.
My husband's lifeless job is still there day after day, but I see where God has used him and continues to use him in others' lives.
The pennies are still crying, but we have not gone hungry and have seen God's hand provide for us through others in so many ways.

The last 3 months have been very long, but we will not give up. It's tempting to sit down and let the slide carry me. There is no answer yet, we are still in limbo and who knows what is going to happen. But I am thankful for this testing period. Joy in trials. What an oxymoron. What an awesome God.

7 comments:

Amy said...

Two years ago, the night before my grandma had quadruple bypass surgery, I called my dad for reassurance that she was going to be okay. I said, "I just don't feel peace about this." He said, "Do you want peace, or do you want faith?" I was struck by that question because I always thought faith would bring peace. But true faith is exactly where you are right now... believing God even when there is no peace. When you're fighting to keep from zipping down the slide and landing on your rear end. You guys are believing, trusting, standing firm amid uncertainty. Keep it up. You're in my prayers.

thediaperdiaries said...

wow, I was really ministered to by your post and then by Amy's comment. I had no idea things had gotten so frustrating for you. Please let me know if there is anything tangible I can do to ease your stress. In the meantime, I will add you to my prayers.

heather said...

the waiting is such a tough spot, no matter what you're waiting for. it is, of course, those waiting times that we draw nearest to God - through necessity. thank you for being so open about your frustrations - like Jill, I had no idea things had gotten so hard for you guys. you're definitely in my prayers...

Kristi said...

I am so thankful for your ability to share your struggles. I look at you and I see this amazing woman of faith. You are an amazing person and you are in my prayers. I would be more than happy to help you and your family in any way I can, just say the word. Pleas know that there are so many people that care about you and are praying for you.

Jean said...

Thank you Amy. What a great thought provoking question by your dad. I appreciate it so very much and have been thinking and chewing it over. And thank you so much for praying. :)

Thanks Jill, Heather and Kristi. Thank you for your encouraging words and for your prayers. It means so very much.

anne said...

Even though I feel a little out of it since I haven't been able to read your thoughts in a while, I know where you are...

You are never alone on your slope. When you slip, you will never fall far without running into someone else right there with you. Just so you know.

Jean said...

Thanks Anne. How self-centered of me to think no one else is on the slide! You've heard my heart over and over again and are always ready with a word of encouragement and a listening ear.