The search has begun. I updated my resume (more like wrote an entirely new one) yesterday. By days end, my head hurt and my body felt like it had been squeezed one too many times through a pasta maker. Before last week I didn't have to think about what I would be qualified to do. I had spent the last 8 years with the same company, the past 7 years doing the exact same job, thinking it was the job I would have until I was ready to move on. When that security rug is yanked unexpectedly from under you, it's one hard fall.

Last night looking at my completed resume (thanks to my amazing husband), the thought crossed my mind, "This is what I have done the past 10+ years. All my work has been reduced to one piece of paper." Am I really qualified to enter the work force?

I sent out my first resume last night and was pretty nervous about what would happen if I got this job. I could totally do it and actually have the experience for the qualifications. It's all the unknown questions that come with working outside the home. I then told myself to take it one step at a time.

This weekend will consist of purchasing a Sunday paper to scour for more jobs. This is a whole new realm that I did not think I would have to do until after our move. I should know better than to think I have everything worked out.

So the trusting continues. I cling to God's promise that He will not let us go without what we need. Seeing His faithfulness the past week and a half has been humbling and eye opening. Experiencing encouragement from others has calmed my heart from worry and humbled my soul knowing that I and our family are loved. We have not gone without and it has been a hard, but good, stretching experience that I am learning from daily.

so on and so forth

With it being almost an entire week without a job, I've found myself sitting, staring at my computer not knowing what to do. I'm not used to not working. For the past seven years I've had the same job, being able to work at home and be here when Sam comes home from school, to make dinner every night, to be here when Ed gets home from work, to watch both of our babies grow.

So I am now starting to fill the days with having the house spic and span, just in case the realtor calls for a last minute appointment. And play with Alina. Polly's, Color Wonder finger paint, markers, crayons, more Polly's and so on and so forth.

Also I've found myself looking every 2 minutes at my blog roll. At the news. The weather. Even the grocery ads. Chatting with anyone that's available. Looking at the blog roll again. The news. The weather. I know very soon that this is not going to be a luxury. With losing a job, other things must go away too. One being internet. So if by chance you e-mail me and I don't respond for days, I'm really not ignoring you. I promise. I'm realizing that I may actually HAVE to TALK to people on the phone! How crazy is that!?!

This morning I read the following verse:

Phil 4:6-7
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I asked Jesus to show me His peace today and that I would be mature enough to see it (something that stuck from the women's retreat this past weekend).

In part of my brain I took this as "pray that everything will work out in how I see is best and it will". Yes...well, we all know that's not how things work.

At around 10:30 this morning the phone rang, I saw that it was Ed's work number (thought it was Ed), but it was my boss (we work for the same company). I thought there was some work for me to do and he was calling to see if I could hop on and do it. Then I hear, "I have some difficult news to share with you" and continued on explaining that with another loss of a customer for the company, there was a meeting with the board this morning, of which was discussed how they were going to stay afloat. One way was me being let go.

gulp.

don't cry. don't cry. don't cry.

I somehow managed to make it through the phone call and after he said sorry so many times and how this couldn't have come at a more difficult time for us, I finally said that it's not his fault the way the economy is and that I understand. I hung up and immediately called Ed (he sits right outside our boss' office so I'm guessing the door was closed), he answered and all he heard was me sobbing.

I've had to explain to our 6 year old why mommy doesn't have a job after he asked why I can't work any more. I somehow managed to explain in kid terms what happened and stressed that we don't need to worry. That God will take care of us. Verses popped into my head of:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin."

I wasn't expecting my morning prayer to be answered like it was. He was right there, patiently waiting for me, offering His peace. And I have to say that without it, things would not be pretty.

Today I watched a man dig a hole in the yard,
stick a piece of wood in it,
hang a piece of plastic from it,
and I cried.

and so it begins

the papers have been autographed.
the sign goes up Monday.
i even dreamt about signing papers all night.
no wonder i'm so tired this morning.

and so begins the daily upkeep of house.
keeping on kids to clean up after themselves.
teaching a new routine to a 4 and 6 year old.
keeping on myself to clean up after me.
especially the kitchen.
keeping up on laundry!
ugh.
being ready for the call that someone is coming in 5 minutes to look at the house.
i've never been in this type of position before.
i didn't realize all the pressure that comes with it.

i'm not the most tidy person, so this is going to be quite the challenge.