Sunday, December 04, 2005
Where to from here
So these past few months have been crazy emotionally (and no, I'm not pregnant). My faith in Christ has really changed. Having to depend on Him soley has become something that I have glimpsed. It has been a hard season of my life, and I don't want to have to live these past months again. But one thing I have learned is that the only person I can depend on is God. I'm not one to explain things well, but I do know this: over the past year or so, I have really not had an open communication with God and have desired just that, but just couldn't attain it. Now I have it b/c I came to a point in my life where I realized He's the only one I can depend on, and so to depend on Him, I've had to talk to Him, which in turn opened the flood gates of hearing him. Learning to listen and hear God has been difficult for me to learn, but the experience has been nothing short of amazing. I so want to cling to this experience, this closeness. I deserve none of this, but isn't that one of the things that God is about? Showing mercy? Treating me like I don't deserve to be treated? So I, in turn, can show mercy (and grace) to others? I have had to show grace and mercy when I didn't want to, and the result was the beginnings of a restored friendship. How amazing it has been!! Though, all of this that I've talked about, has been a choice. Chosing to depend on God, chosing to show grace and mercy, chosing to hear Christ and chosing to listen to Him. I had to let go of myself, which was not very easy as I wanted to cling and harbor the bitterness and hurt and be angry. This has not been an overnight process, but weeks. And still daily, I stuggle with taking everything back into my own hands and keep living life without depending on God. It's not easy having faith in Christ, but oh so very worth it and I would not trade these experiences or my faith in Christ for anything.