I remember the day I killed the weeds.
It was after hearing my teaching pastor talk about forgiveness. He said that forgiveness is seeing the debt someone owes you and being willing to say “I’m not collecting.” That hit me deeply because that was my deal- I was still waiting to collect. I wasn’t plotting revenge through a series of menacing deeds but I held onto the debt the same. I just wanted it to be even. I wanted the scales of justice to balance out. I wanted my name cleared. I was waiting for a letter, an email, a phone call saying “I made a terrible mistake. I was wrong.” I would have settled for an “I’m sorry.”
In that moment, as those words rang both painful and hopeful in my ears, I made a decision- a decision that was as much simple as it felt impossible. I stopped collecting. Seriously. I’m not just saying that. In the midst of a bitterness that was choking the life right out of me, I stopped collecting. I felt the weeds that had been coursing through my heart die right then and there. I felt the cold roots of bitterness ripped from the earth. Through strength that was not my own, I completely freed my debtors. And that day, I myself was freed.
I've read over this portion many times and pondered his thoughts over the past days. I've been waiting to collect. For years.
But after reading Matt's words, it hit me square in the forehead. Bitterness has been literally choking the life out of me. Throw some anger and fury in the soil too and you've got a nice steamy place for lots of unhealthy things to grow. I've been holding hands deep in my soul with something that has been causing roots of bitterness to seep up into the rest of my being and into my heart.
I am praying that someday soon I will be able to truthfully say, "I'm not collecting. Or seeking justice. Or desiring my name to be cleared." To be free by only God's grace and strength.
So thank you Matt for your heart words.
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